I don't know why it is so calming. Maybe it's because you know every instinct is telling you to get away. Every reflex is trying to flee the pain. You force yourself to stay there and take it even though your body is screaming at you to stop. Maybe it's knowing that you can control yourself against your very nature. Your body is trying to get away from the sting but your arm won't let up and your mind keeps you from escaping. You have control over yourself. You have control over human instinct. Control feels powerful. You feel stronger when you have control over something. Maybe it's that strength that makes the whole experience calming. When you lose control you burn and then you have a sense of control. That control is so precious when it feels like everything in your life is out of you control and falling apart. But as all good things do, it cost a price. The price of skin.
The smell of burning flesh, the light of the fire on the bobby pin heating it up, the feeling of control is all so soothing. I want more. But I don't like the price because now I know that, maybe not today, one day I will wish I hadn't given my skin for the moment of peace. Once you do it you are scarred. That's how you pay. Those scars are like tattoos. You have to live with them. Your skin won't be smooth and clear it will be littered with your past. For me, even if I were to get skinny enough, I could never wear a bikini because of my scars. I will probably never be able to get hired for a show as a dancer if the costumes show the belly. I may never be able to wear a dress or skirt without socks or tights because the scar on my leg from not to long ago. Even though some may fade, they will probably never go away. I have to live with that now. I want to quit. It's so addicting though....I don't know if I ever will. Sometimes I'm not sure it's worth it. As long as I only scar the same place it won't do any harm. Whether I stop or not, I will never be able to show that part of me. But I still try. And I relapse every time. But then I try again. I keep trying.
The smell of burning flesh, the light of the fire on the bobby pin heating it up, the feeling of control is all so soothing. I want more. But I don't like the price because now I know that, maybe not today, one day I will wish I hadn't given my skin for the moment of peace. Once you do it you are scarred. That's how you pay. Those scars are like tattoos. You have to live with them. Your skin won't be smooth and clear it will be littered with your past. For me, even if I were to get skinny enough, I could never wear a bikini because of my scars. I will probably never be able to get hired for a show as a dancer if the costumes show the belly. I may never be able to wear a dress or skirt without socks or tights because the scar on my leg from not to long ago. Even though some may fade, they will probably never go away. I have to live with that now. I want to quit. It's so addicting though....I don't know if I ever will. Sometimes I'm not sure it's worth it. As long as I only scar the same place it won't do any harm. Whether I stop or not, I will never be able to show that part of me. But I still try. And I relapse every time. But then I try again. I keep trying.
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