It may be silly but one of my biggest pet peeves is how ignorant people read stuff or hear it and suddenly believe it. I know I have been guilty of it before. Not so much anymore. The availabilty of information now days is incredible. Unfortunately, anyone with a computer can release information and even pose as a profesional. The information can not be trusted just because it exists. I have read things about the idea that seeing to much pink causes cancer...Seriously. And I have met people who actually believe it because they read it. Cancer is caused by damage to cells. How does a color damage your cells??? It doesn't. I saw magazines talking about Osama's autopsy. One problem....THERE WAS NO AUTOPSY! Yes, a lot of what they said they found in the autopsy was true but it wasn't found out about because of the autopsy. It had been known that he probably would not have lived much longer any way. Just because it's printed doesn't mean it's true. Most people will believe it. I try not to get to annoyed but it's just one of those things that really irks me.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Burning Flesh
I don't know why it is so calming. Maybe it's because you know every instinct is telling you to get away. Every reflex is trying to flee the pain. You force yourself to stay there and take it even though your body is screaming at you to stop. Maybe it's knowing that you can control yourself against your very nature. Your body is trying to get away from the sting but your arm won't let up and your mind keeps you from escaping. You have control over yourself. You have control over human instinct. Control feels powerful. You feel stronger when you have control over something. Maybe it's that strength that makes the whole experience calming. When you lose control you burn and then you have a sense of control. That control is so precious when it feels like everything in your life is out of you control and falling apart. But as all good things do, it cost a price. The price of skin.
The smell of burning flesh, the light of the fire on the bobby pin heating it up, the feeling of control is all so soothing. I want more. But I don't like the price because now I know that, maybe not today, one day I will wish I hadn't given my skin for the moment of peace. Once you do it you are scarred. That's how you pay. Those scars are like tattoos. You have to live with them. Your skin won't be smooth and clear it will be littered with your past. For me, even if I were to get skinny enough, I could never wear a bikini because of my scars. I will probably never be able to get hired for a show as a dancer if the costumes show the belly. I may never be able to wear a dress or skirt without socks or tights because the scar on my leg from not to long ago. Even though some may fade, they will probably never go away. I have to live with that now. I want to quit. It's so addicting though....I don't know if I ever will. Sometimes I'm not sure it's worth it. As long as I only scar the same place it won't do any harm. Whether I stop or not, I will never be able to show that part of me. But I still try. And I relapse every time. But then I try again. I keep trying.
The smell of burning flesh, the light of the fire on the bobby pin heating it up, the feeling of control is all so soothing. I want more. But I don't like the price because now I know that, maybe not today, one day I will wish I hadn't given my skin for the moment of peace. Once you do it you are scarred. That's how you pay. Those scars are like tattoos. You have to live with them. Your skin won't be smooth and clear it will be littered with your past. For me, even if I were to get skinny enough, I could never wear a bikini because of my scars. I will probably never be able to get hired for a show as a dancer if the costumes show the belly. I may never be able to wear a dress or skirt without socks or tights because the scar on my leg from not to long ago. Even though some may fade, they will probably never go away. I have to live with that now. I want to quit. It's so addicting though....I don't know if I ever will. Sometimes I'm not sure it's worth it. As long as I only scar the same place it won't do any harm. Whether I stop or not, I will never be able to show that part of me. But I still try. And I relapse every time. But then I try again. I keep trying.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
June 18, 2011 Thoughts.
What is this life for anyway. Perfect isn't perfect but maybe it would be better than what the world has right now. There would be no free will or free choice or any of that but their wouldn't be dying little girls, angry little boys, soldiers fighting and dying not really knowing what for, wars devastating the innocent while the ones who decided war was necessary remain safe and unharmed. What happened to community and neighbors. Theres no neighbors anymore, just people living in close proximity of one another.
But what seems worse than it all...pain. Little girls starving to be perfect, starving to make the past disapper, boys killing themselves to please their fathers, escape the mocking, escape the world. Young girls attempting suicide to get away from their mothers, the cruel world of girls, unrelentless teasing, and the inability to feel good enough and deal with the emotions they feel. Young men crying because they can't support their pregnant wife. Old men sighing at what the worlds become and dying because no one heard his scream for help when he fell and couldn't get up...mothers yelling cruel words at their children blaming their children for everything wrong because it's safer than blaming and facing the real problem. Fathers beating their children because they can't control their anger. Little girls and boys molested and raped before they even know the meaning of the words. Ten year olds taking care of their family of five after their parents die from aids and leave no money. children dying of completely curable diseases all because the people holding the cure are too greedy to give it to them for free and the family can't pay. Animals taking the beatings for things they didn't do. People being forced to live in inhuman conditions all because they committed a small crime. People killing people who kill people. Children crying at night because their moms a whore and the kids at school all know. mothers having sex just to pay the damn rent. young women being convinced they are meaningless. No one reaching out their hand because every one tells them the homeless person could be fake or crazy and that crying man could be a rapist and the woman on the sidewalk laying down not moving is none of your buisness. and if know one else seems to care why should you. Not taking the hand of the girl crying in the corner because the other kids will tease you too. Not sitting by the lonely girl at lunch because shes weird and you don't know her. ignoring the boy with gashes on his arm and making fun of his hair. Watching friends die from drugs because you won't tell on them because they've tried recovery before and they don't want it and it didn't work so why bother.
FORGET WHAT THEY ALL SAY AND LISTEN TO YOUR HEART NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS. bECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO CHANGE THE WORLD AND YOU CAN HELP!
The little girl in the corner crying because the other kids tease her...give her your hand and your heart.
That little child who needs medicine but can't afford it...donate the money, write a letter to a company, protest.
That man laying on the street not moving who no one else seems to notice.....go shake his shoulder..make sure he's a live.
Than man begging for money on the corner of your street...give him a hot meal and some blankets and other usefull things if you don't want to give him money. Or maybe just sit and talk. be kinda.
The woman crying in the clinic...go to her...give her your verbal or silent support.
That kid that everyone is always talking bad about...stand up for them. tell those other kids to shut up.
That kid whos been to rehab doesn't want to get better...tell someone...they can never be helped if everyone quits trying. You can't force them but you can try.
You always have something you can spare. money, clothes, food, or maybe just your kindnss and voice.
The kid praying for their grandparent whos dying of cancer...hold their hand
That boy contemplating suicide...Hug him...tell him he's important. do something to make his day. to make him smile
That girl drawing pictures on her arm with blood...take that razor away and hug her. check her for cuts every day and show her how much it hurts you when you find one. hug her tight and tell her shes beautiful. tell her you care..show her you notice.
That kid alone that always seems cold.... offer him your hand. offer him your friendship
The girl starving to free herself.....look her in the eyes and give her a hug.
Don't be afraid to be teased. Don't be afraid to show someone you care. Don't be afraid to take a risk that someone may be a killer or may be someone who really badly needs you. Don't be afraid to take a stand and be hard on someone to help them. Don't be afraid to let them see your tears. Do whats right. Forget what everyone else says. Is it more important that you avoid helping that man because theres a ten percent chance he is a rapist or is it more important to help him and maybe save his life. Is it more important to be popular while a kids life is shattered and contemplates suicide. Is it more important to give a child medicine or to buy those designer shoes.
I'm so tired or seeing hurting souls and feeling like no one seems to care. all these people hurting and no one sees. I've been there! I've been in that pain. I want nothing more to take it all away from all those suffering. Beat me up if it makes you feel better. yell at rant at me if you need someone to yell at. get mad at me if you need to be mad. dump all your problems on me if you need to talk and breathe. take my life if it will save yours. don't worry about me. because all i want to do is help. i just want to make everyone okay.....I don't want to watch anymore people die. I've had enough of death. Can anyone even hear...
But what seems worse than it all...pain. Little girls starving to be perfect, starving to make the past disapper, boys killing themselves to please their fathers, escape the mocking, escape the world. Young girls attempting suicide to get away from their mothers, the cruel world of girls, unrelentless teasing, and the inability to feel good enough and deal with the emotions they feel. Young men crying because they can't support their pregnant wife. Old men sighing at what the worlds become and dying because no one heard his scream for help when he fell and couldn't get up...mothers yelling cruel words at their children blaming their children for everything wrong because it's safer than blaming and facing the real problem. Fathers beating their children because they can't control their anger. Little girls and boys molested and raped before they even know the meaning of the words. Ten year olds taking care of their family of five after their parents die from aids and leave no money. children dying of completely curable diseases all because the people holding the cure are too greedy to give it to them for free and the family can't pay. Animals taking the beatings for things they didn't do. People being forced to live in inhuman conditions all because they committed a small crime. People killing people who kill people. Children crying at night because their moms a whore and the kids at school all know. mothers having sex just to pay the damn rent. young women being convinced they are meaningless. No one reaching out their hand because every one tells them the homeless person could be fake or crazy and that crying man could be a rapist and the woman on the sidewalk laying down not moving is none of your buisness. and if know one else seems to care why should you. Not taking the hand of the girl crying in the corner because the other kids will tease you too. Not sitting by the lonely girl at lunch because shes weird and you don't know her. ignoring the boy with gashes on his arm and making fun of his hair. Watching friends die from drugs because you won't tell on them because they've tried recovery before and they don't want it and it didn't work so why bother.
FORGET WHAT THEY ALL SAY AND LISTEN TO YOUR HEART NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS. bECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO CHANGE THE WORLD AND YOU CAN HELP!
The little girl in the corner crying because the other kids tease her...give her your hand and your heart.
That little child who needs medicine but can't afford it...donate the money, write a letter to a company, protest.
That man laying on the street not moving who no one else seems to notice.....go shake his shoulder..make sure he's a live.
Than man begging for money on the corner of your street...give him a hot meal and some blankets and other usefull things if you don't want to give him money. Or maybe just sit and talk. be kinda.
The woman crying in the clinic...go to her...give her your verbal or silent support.
That kid that everyone is always talking bad about...stand up for them. tell those other kids to shut up.
That kid whos been to rehab doesn't want to get better...tell someone...they can never be helped if everyone quits trying. You can't force them but you can try.
You always have something you can spare. money, clothes, food, or maybe just your kindnss and voice.
The kid praying for their grandparent whos dying of cancer...hold their hand
That boy contemplating suicide...Hug him...tell him he's important. do something to make his day. to make him smile
That girl drawing pictures on her arm with blood...take that razor away and hug her. check her for cuts every day and show her how much it hurts you when you find one. hug her tight and tell her shes beautiful. tell her you care..show her you notice.
That kid alone that always seems cold.... offer him your hand. offer him your friendship
The girl starving to free herself.....look her in the eyes and give her a hug.
Don't be afraid to be teased. Don't be afraid to show someone you care. Don't be afraid to take a risk that someone may be a killer or may be someone who really badly needs you. Don't be afraid to take a stand and be hard on someone to help them. Don't be afraid to let them see your tears. Do whats right. Forget what everyone else says. Is it more important that you avoid helping that man because theres a ten percent chance he is a rapist or is it more important to help him and maybe save his life. Is it more important to be popular while a kids life is shattered and contemplates suicide. Is it more important to give a child medicine or to buy those designer shoes.
I'm so tired or seeing hurting souls and feeling like no one seems to care. all these people hurting and no one sees. I've been there! I've been in that pain. I want nothing more to take it all away from all those suffering. Beat me up if it makes you feel better. yell at rant at me if you need someone to yell at. get mad at me if you need to be mad. dump all your problems on me if you need to talk and breathe. take my life if it will save yours. don't worry about me. because all i want to do is help. i just want to make everyone okay.....I don't want to watch anymore people die. I've had enough of death. Can anyone even hear...
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
My Symptoms
THIS IS NOT A COMPLETE LIST!!! The symptoms/complications are in alphabetical order with both phyisical and behavioral symptoms mixed. I highlighted my symptoms that i know i have or have been told i have. nothing that requires a doctor like abnormal blood counts do i know of.
Abnormal blood counts
Abnormal eating rituals (cuts food up small, moves food on plate but doesn't eat it)
Absence of menstruation or becoming shorter and lighter
Acid reflux or ulcers
Alternating between overeating and fasting
Anemias----{ a condition in which the blood is deficient in red blood cells, in hemoglobin, or in total volume}
Angry when confronted about food or weight
Anxiety when eating in front of other people
Avoidance of social situations where food may be present
Avoids or skips meals regularly
Bathroom visits after meals
Becoming withdrawn
Believing too fat even when thin
Brittle nails
Binge eating
Bloating
Bluish discoloration of the fingers
Bone loss
Breast atrophy--------{a wasting away of an organ or part, or a failure to grow to normal size as the result of disease, faulty nutrition, etc. any degeneration or diminution, esp through lack of use}
Broken blood vessels in the eyes
Cardiac arrest and death
Chest pain
Chronic sore throat, hoarseness
Cold hands and feet
Complaining of being "too fat", even when thin
Compulsive exercising
Concern about being overweight
Constipation
Controlling behavior
Cooks for others but does not eat herself
Decayed teeth
Decreased metabolic rate
Dehydration
Denial of hunger
Denial of low body weight
Denial that they are ill
Depression
Desire to lose weight
Difficulty concentrating
Distortion of body image
Diuretic use (increases amount of urination)
Dizziness
Dry skin
Eating until they become sick
Edema (water retention)
Electrolyte imbalances
Emaciation
Esophagus inflammation - from purging or vomiting
Exercise more than 1 hour a day 3 to 4 days a week to control weight
Excessive thirst
Excessive preoccupation with food
Excessive urination
Excessive weight loss
Excuses for not eating meals (ie. ate earlier, not feeling well)
Exhibits an obvious reduction in eating
Exhibits fear or anxiety before eating, and guilt after eating.
Extreme weight loss
Fainting
Fatigue
Fear of gaining weight
Fear that once they start eating they won't be able to stop
Feeling out of control
Feeling that happiness is undeserved
Frequently looking in the mirror
Find it difficult to consume a full normal portion of food (if it is due to fear of consuming it then it is behavioral however sometimes, especially in anorexia, the body gets used to eating small portions and can not take in a normal amount of food making it physical)
Guilt or shame about eating
Going to the kitchen after everyone else has gone to bed. Going out alone on unexpected food runs. Wanting to eat in privacy.
Hair that thins, breaks or falls out
Hand injuries from inducing vomiting
Headaches
Heart palpitations
hides food
Hollow-looking eyes
Hyperactivity
Ignoring feelings of hunger
Inability to remember things
Inability to stop eating. Eating until the point of physical discomfort and pain.
Inability to tell whether or not they are full or hungry. The body's natural mechanisms for indicating hunger or satiety are disturbed.
individual ribs and hip bones visible
Inflicting self-harm
Insecurities about capabilities regardless of actual performance
Insomnia
Intentional starvation
Intense body dissatisfaction
Interpersonal conflicts
Intolerance of cold
Irregular heart rhythms
Irritability
Infertility
Kidney and liver damage
Labeling food as either 'good' or 'bad' with generally an increased urge to binge on
'bad' foods.
Lack of energy
Lack of sexual interest
Light-headedness
Loss of body fat
Low blood pressure
Low body temperature
Low body weight.
Low potassium (most common cause of nocturnal cardiac arrest)
Low self-esteem
Low thyroid function
Malnutrition
Mood swing
Muscle atrophy (wasting away of muscle mainly due to lack of use and/or lack of nutrition)
No known physical illness that would explain weight loss
Not feeling pain as you normally would.
Need for approval
Not wanting or refusing to eat in public
Noticeable discomfort around food
numbness in hands and/or feet
Obsession with weight
Obsessive-compulsive behavior
Obsessiveness about calorie intake
Osteoporosis
Pale complexion (almost a pasty look)
Perfectionist attitude
Playing with food
Preoccupation with tidiness
Preoccupation with food and calorie intake
Problems getting along with family members/long-time friends
Purplish skin color on the arms and legs from poor blood circulation.
Puffy “chipmunk” cheeks
Refusing to eat
Regular episodes of out-of-control binge eating
Repeatedly checking weight
Repeatedly eating large amounts of food in a short period of time
Resistance to treatment
Restricting food choices to only diet foods
Rigid eating schedule
Ruptured stomach or esophagus
Secretive about eating patterns
seizures
Self-worth is determined by food intake
Self-worth determined by weight
Severe self-criticism
Shortness of breath
Skin problems
Slow emptying of the stomach.
Slow heartbeat (fewer than 60 beats a minute).
Soft, downy hair covering the body
Stomach pains
suicidal tendencies
Swelling of arms or legs
Swollen joints
Tiredness
Thin appearance
Throws out food to avoid eating it
Under-eating
Vulnerable to infections
Weakness
Wearing baggy clothes to hide weight loss
Wearing layered clothing - used to hide weight loss
Weighing foods
Withdrawal from friends, family and social situations
Won't eat in front of others unless necessary
Yellow-orange skin, especially on the palms of the hands.
Abnormal blood counts
Abnormal eating rituals (cuts food up small, moves food on plate but doesn't eat it)
Absence of menstruation or becoming shorter and lighter
Acid reflux or ulcers
Alternating between overeating and fasting
Anemias----{ a condition in which the blood is deficient in red blood cells, in hemoglobin, or in total volume}
Angry when confronted about food or weight
Anxiety when eating in front of other people
Avoidance of social situations where food may be present
Avoids or skips meals regularly
Bathroom visits after meals
Becoming withdrawn
Believing too fat even when thin
Brittle nails
Binge eating
Bloating
Bluish discoloration of the fingers
Bone loss
Breast atrophy--------{a wasting away of an organ or part, or a failure to grow to normal size as the result of disease, faulty nutrition, etc. any degeneration or diminution, esp through lack of use}
Broken blood vessels in the eyes
Cardiac arrest and death
Chest pain
Chronic sore throat, hoarseness
Cold hands and feet
Complaining of being "too fat", even when thin
Compulsive exercising
Concern about being overweight
Constipation
Controlling behavior
Cooks for others but does not eat herself
Decayed teeth
Decreased metabolic rate
Dehydration
Denial of hunger
Denial of low body weight
Denial that they are ill
Depression
Desire to lose weight
Difficulty concentrating
Distortion of body image
Diuretic use (increases amount of urination)
Dizziness
Dry skin
Eating until they become sick
Edema (water retention)
Electrolyte imbalances
Emaciation
Esophagus inflammation - from purging or vomiting
Exercise more than 1 hour a day 3 to 4 days a week to control weight
Excessive thirst
Excessive preoccupation with food
Excessive urination
Excessive weight loss
Excuses for not eating meals (ie. ate earlier, not feeling well)
Exhibits an obvious reduction in eating
Exhibits fear or anxiety before eating, and guilt after eating.
Extreme weight loss
Fainting
Fatigue
Fear of gaining weight
Fear that once they start eating they won't be able to stop
Feeling out of control
Feeling that happiness is undeserved
Frequently looking in the mirror
Find it difficult to consume a full normal portion of food (if it is due to fear of consuming it then it is behavioral however sometimes, especially in anorexia, the body gets used to eating small portions and can not take in a normal amount of food making it physical)
Guilt or shame about eating
Going to the kitchen after everyone else has gone to bed. Going out alone on unexpected food runs. Wanting to eat in privacy.
Hair that thins, breaks or falls out
Hand injuries from inducing vomiting
Headaches
Heart palpitations
hides food
Hollow-looking eyes
Hyperactivity
Ignoring feelings of hunger
Inability to remember things
Inability to stop eating. Eating until the point of physical discomfort and pain.
Inability to tell whether or not they are full or hungry. The body's natural mechanisms for indicating hunger or satiety are disturbed.
individual ribs and hip bones visible
Inflicting self-harm
Insecurities about capabilities regardless of actual performance
Insomnia
Intentional starvation
Intense body dissatisfaction
Interpersonal conflicts
Intolerance of cold
Irregular heart rhythms
Irritability
Infertility
Kidney and liver damage
Labeling food as either 'good' or 'bad' with generally an increased urge to binge on
'bad' foods.
Lack of energy
Lack of sexual interest
Light-headedness
Loss of body fat
Low blood pressure
Low body temperature
Low body weight.
Low potassium (most common cause of nocturnal cardiac arrest)
Low self-esteem
Low thyroid function
Malnutrition
Mood swing
Muscle atrophy (wasting away of muscle mainly due to lack of use and/or lack of nutrition)
No known physical illness that would explain weight loss
Not feeling pain as you normally would.
Need for approval
Not wanting or refusing to eat in public
Noticeable discomfort around food
numbness in hands and/or feet
Obsession with weight
Obsessive-compulsive behavior
Obsessiveness about calorie intake
Osteoporosis
Pale complexion (almost a pasty look)
Perfectionist attitude
Playing with food
Preoccupation with tidiness
Preoccupation with food and calorie intake
Problems getting along with family members/long-time friends
Purplish skin color on the arms and legs from poor blood circulation.
Puffy “chipmunk” cheeks
Refusing to eat
Regular episodes of out-of-control binge eating
Repeatedly checking weight
Repeatedly eating large amounts of food in a short period of time
Resistance to treatment
Restricting food choices to only diet foods
Rigid eating schedule
Ruptured stomach or esophagus
Secretive about eating patterns
seizures
Self-worth is determined by food intake
Self-worth determined by weight
Severe self-criticism
Shortness of breath
Skin problems
Slow emptying of the stomach.
Slow heartbeat (fewer than 60 beats a minute).
Soft, downy hair covering the body
Stomach pains
suicidal tendencies
Swelling of arms or legs
Swollen joints
Tiredness
Thin appearance
Throws out food to avoid eating it
Under-eating
Vulnerable to infections
Weakness
Wearing baggy clothes to hide weight loss
Wearing layered clothing - used to hide weight loss
Weighing foods
Withdrawal from friends, family and social situations
Won't eat in front of others unless necessary
Yellow-orange skin, especially on the palms of the hands.
Monday, May 30, 2011
May 30
As I lay here shaking and weak I start to think about recent events. It all looks like a jumbled mess of lines. I wonder how it got that way. How someone like me got this way. There is no one answer though.
I realize that nothing makes sense; the puzzle pieces don't fit together. There are so many contradictions. For someone like me with a need for everything to make sense, it's torture. The hypocrisy of my words and actions. One day I am one person...the next day I am someone else. I have less anxiety now, but when it came to presenting my project in English....I just said no..Didn't say why. I've done plenty of presentations. Ones I prepared for like crazy and ones I put together in the last ten seconds. I want to die...but then I say I don't want to. I love him...but i keep pushing him away. Somehow it has to make sense....but right now, I don't know how.
I realize that nothing makes sense; the puzzle pieces don't fit together. There are so many contradictions. For someone like me with a need for everything to make sense, it's torture. The hypocrisy of my words and actions. One day I am one person...the next day I am someone else. I have less anxiety now, but when it came to presenting my project in English....I just said no..Didn't say why. I've done plenty of presentations. Ones I prepared for like crazy and ones I put together in the last ten seconds. I want to die...but then I say I don't want to. I love him...but i keep pushing him away. Somehow it has to make sense....but right now, I don't know how.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Spring Breaks Ending....
I don't want spring break to end....Too much going on and it all starts back up tomorrow. Plus I won't have as much time to talk to everyone on here but I think I will log in on my phone more often. :)
Still I have 25 research notecards and then a short version of my 8 page paper which were due a few weeks ago but I never got in. Then theres still the actually dern paper by june which we still have the rough draft before that due! The AP exam for AP psychology is May 11 I think and so I have to get studying on that. Then there is normal class stuff. Along with that I have a book project for English too!!! Outside of school theres the pointe dance, lyrical dance, ballet dance, jazz dance, hip hop dance, and tap dance to finish/clean. Then I have my own pointe solo to choreograph, learn, and clean. Then there is the assistants dance and the all star production and then I am filling in for a girl for the nationals competition (I am on the team but I wasn't in one of the tap numbers and both senior lyrical and jazz didn't make it to nationals so they had me take the place of one of the younger girls in the younger lyrical so that I wouldn't be the only one not competing) but luckily that dance is several levels below me and Iv'e seen it enough times to know it sort of. But I also have my 3&4 year old class to do (though thats really easy) and it's just crazy.
Spring break was great though. I enjoyed talking to everyone and getting to know them all better on facebook. I kinda didn't do much except work out, talk on facebook, sleep and not much else. Those were the three main things. Could have worked on some of that other stuff but I needed a week away from all the crap. It was just way too much......Unfortunately...I can't avoid it forever...It all starts again tomorrow. Going to stay up tonight most likely to start and to work on a schedule to get all this done. I won't be on as much anymore but I will get on when I can. Thank you god for phones!!!
love you all!!!!
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